there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
