So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
