You smell like a Billy Joel song
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
