I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
