Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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