NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
