I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
