I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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