Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
