so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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