i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
