Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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