My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
