Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
