I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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