everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you had me at cake vodka
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
