Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
where are you?
Hypothermia
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
