I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
