I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Bring me that man meat
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
