sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
