What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
