I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
