i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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