It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
