You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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