Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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