Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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