He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
