i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
