you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
