Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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