did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
