You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Pants are for mortals
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
