Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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