He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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