he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
