I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
