apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
