Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
