Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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