shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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