I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
