I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
