i just had sex bonerless
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
