Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
