Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Buhtt sex?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
