im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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