I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
