Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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