I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
