Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
