i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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