You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
