I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
