Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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