Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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