I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
